So by now most of you know what happened with me physically, at least the quick overview of it all. I would like to again take a moment to thank you all for the outpouring of love and support. It means more than I could ever find the words for. When all of this happened, I knew it was bigger than I was. I wanted my suffering to be of service, and in that way, the loss would be lessened, and its value would increase my strength and conviction. What I didn’t want was to lose something so precious to me for no reason. I have always been full of pride, unwilling to show weakness in any way. And as we all know, they say “pride comes before a big fall.”
For some reason, I used to believe that strength meant the ability to take a beating, withstand pain, never getting attached and a million other flawed views. We all come to limiting beliefs in our own unique ways, and I don’t think the why or how are all that important in comparison to just realizing they are limiting and choosing a different way of being. Before getting sick, I was FULL of limiting beliefs, and I mean full of them. Its crazy to look back and reflect on myself before everything. I just want to run back and hug the hell out of my old self. I am full of love and compassion for her, as well as sadness and respect. I thought life had to be a certain way. I thought I had to be a certain way…I was rigid and inflexible. I was scared and lost. I believed I was alone, and that was the biggie. And it wasn’t so much that I believed I was alone. I had tons of people in my life, some really great people actually, it is that I was too proud to share with any of them the extent of what I was going through in my life. I judged myself for struggling, and therefore thought they would too.
We are only as sick as our secrets. Looking back, I can recognize how life was trying to offer me “smaller” opportunities to “break open.” The problem was my pride and my ability to take a beating. I should mention that as you all know, I have been a lifelong runner. It truly is in my blood. What probably few of you know is that I have for a very long time been an emotional runner as well. So when life began to unravel, I would just take the beating because I thought I was so tough, and then when it felt like I couldn’t take another blow, I ran, literally and figuratively. Fitness for me always played a very healthy role for me. I come from families riddled with addiction and depression, and fitness served as my antidote and for that I am truly blessed. However, it also became my hide out. It was where no matter what I was going through, I could go and excel. Rather than having to face the avalanche of my life, I could go there to feel good about things. And while that isn’t all bad, I can see that life was trying to bring me to my knees literally so that I could let go of all of my limitations created by my flawed belief system so that I could be free to truly live out my purpose and potential. I was the one in my way. And for those of you who know me well, you know I can put up one hell of a fight. While a great asset, it has also been a great liability. We are not meant to fight all things all the time. Surrender has its vital place. Peace is preferable to war.
So when everything was falling apart (which I can see was FOR my good), rather than surrender, I resisted and eventually ran. And when I ran, I made a series of fearful decisions coming from my flawed and limited viewpoint and belief system. It became a very dark and rapid downward spiral. In a lot of ways, it looked neat and tidy from the outside looking in. I have always been someone who chooses to have as good of an attitude as possible about things because I believe sometimes that is the only choice we have. However, I have come to realize that I have just chosen to skip all of the uncomfortable and messy emotions. I was recently told that I am a master anesthetizer. You cannot skip life, or hide from emotions or issues. They do not go away. You simply delay and intensify their eventual effects and lessons. And again, this can sound scary, but I believe it is all truly for our highest good. So when everything fell apart, I shut out all of the people who loved and cared for me and ran smack dab into a very uncomfortable lesson wrapped in the guise of a relationship. And while it wasn’t pretty, it has been a great teacher. That is the beauty of all of this…the seemingly worst things that can happen “to” us, if we choose to allow ourselves to see it, can be our greatest teachers and blessings.
Because I had shut everyone out and locked myself in, I had no idea what love should be because I had barred the doors to it. I was in this grand illusion that appeared to be like a funhouse mirror. You know you don’t really look how you appear in the crazy mirrors yet you are standing there looking at the skewed image nonetheless. And if you didn’t know better, you could convince yourself of its reality. I was in a relationship out of fear…which is NEVER a way to start anything or a reason to start it. And I couldn’t find my way out yet again because of fear. And because of my limiting beliefs, I took the mental and emotional abuse that came with it because I clearly believed I deserved it. I now realize that is because I gave myself that same abuse.
“The limit of your self-abuse is the limit you will tolerate from other people.” Don Miguel Ruiz
That is a very big and hard pill to swallow. That is what compelled me to share my rawest and greatest shame with all of you. I was embarrassed for being in the relationship, and even more embarrassed for the abuse that I endured. I definitely don’t want anyone to think that I am making myself the victim here because I am not. We were simply two people in a toxic situation that had lessons to teach and lessons to learn. Ultimately it served my personal evolution. I did not speak the truth about what I wanted or felt, and never stood up for myself. I believed that it was wrong to get angry, wrong to argue back, wrong to yell or walk away, or any sort of thing. I don’t like to consider myself a quitter so I stood there and took it day in and day out. That is what I thought love looked like although looking back, I can see that I knew better, I just couldn’t hear my quiet intuition over the war zone inside and outside of my head. Add a few layers of fear to the equation, and I had simply locked myself up and threw away the key. So that brings me to the point of all of this. And that is the part that still makes my spine chill. And sadly, the hell that I was living in was far worse than the VERY REAL hell that I experienced physically when my body failed me. And let me tell you, I do not believe they are unrelated. Again, being in a relationship of that nature had many very important lessons to teach me. The problem is, my stubborn ass refused to get them. I basically just told life to keep delivering blows, and I would take them on the chin like a champ. How freaking sad is that? Life is not supposed to be painful. It is in the sense of loss, change, etc which still does not have to be painful, but not all emotions we experience in life are supposed to feel like rainbows and puppies. If you are in emotional pain, there is a problem. If you are in spiritual pain, there is a problem. If you are in physical pain, THERE IS A PROBLEM. I was in every kind of pain, and I thought that was normal. How sad is that? It sleighs my heart every time I think about it. But it also convicts and compels me to share these skeletons in case there are others who are going through something similar. Please learn from my mistakes and spare yourself.
To wrap it all up, every time and in every way life attempted to show me where I was limiting myself, where I was going wrong, I just took the hit and ignored the pain, or ran in some way. I wasn’t sticking up for or advocating for myself and poison just continued to be spewed into me without any release. It makes me cry every single time I think about where I was at mentally and emotionally and what I was going through. It makes me cry that I didn’t see a way out, that I didn’t understand how wrong everything was and lacked the self love and understanding to get myself out. It was like a tempest was brewing and eventually all hell broke loose. And once again, I wholeheartedly believe that this is something that happened for me rather than to me. I am far better for it. And it was like every single thing had been taken from me, and I had to begin anew. It began with a choice, a choice to finally get the lesson, a choice to believe this was happening for me, to believe that good would indeed come out of it, to choose happiness, or something as close to that as I could get from where I was at in any given moment. I had an insanely long road to climb, one I am still climbing. The greatest blessing was that I let go of the illusions and limiting beliefs (though that is a process), and I am choosing to live life in my truth, my strength and with love for myself and others. I am choosing authenticity, love and peace at all times and in all things. I made friends with my heart, something that I made a conscious decision to shut off and out years before even this when too many things occurred and I just couldn’t take it without shutting my emotions off. A decision that ultimately led me here. However now I have come full circle and made best friends with my heart once again.
After I almost died, and before all of the surgeries, I knew that I had to get out of the situation that I was in, or that I could very well die. My spirit was sick, and I knew that in order to survive everything both physically and otherwise, I had to get myself into a better environment. I did this from a wheelchair, in complete physical, mental and emotional breakdown, but my spirit initiated a spark that got me started in the right direction. While I have always been very physically strong, I believe that was taken away from me for the more important aspects of strength to be forced to develop which ultimately are the types of strength that we can keep regardless of what happens to us physically. I hope that if there are any of you who find themselves in destructive situations that this would help you to find the strength to love yourselves and to do whatever needs to be done. In losing all that I thought I was, I discovered all that I am. There is always a way. God, life, the universe are all here to support you, but they will not force you. It is always ultimately up to us. But you are not alone. Much love, gratitude and peace. Namaste and God Bless. Me.